“The baddest little show on Earth!”
Backstory: It was last weekend, maybe the weekend before that an employee at DiNic’s caught sight of the Super Portale Bros and said “You seem like you may be interested in this” before handing over some free tickets to “Extreme Midget Wrestling“. A big “ha ha” moment, do we really look like the type of guys who would be interested in watching
midgets little people* wrestle? Actually yes. Pigeonholed as fuck
*I’m not the PC police but I feel a little offensive calling them midgets. Little people from here on out.
The day had come. The Portales bailed out so I was flying solo to this thing. I blame the couch. I locked up my whip, and proceeded to drink as much as I thought would be acceptable when drinking alone (a special at the dive next door). Observations:
- There was already a line a few doors away from the TLA. Must be all those free tickets, there were plenty of people who had come out for this thing.
- I saw a guy with a braided rat tail. Didn’t want to take a picture because I know if he caught me he would destroy me. His side piece was a woman with a tattoo on her forehead.
- A taller, chubbier guy tried to make small talk with me. He had acne and was at least 30. “So…you going to this event next door?”. As if he was too ashamed to admit he was watching little people beat up on each other for our entertainment. That’s what we’re all here for, bro. I nodded and went back to my phone. He looked around, walked to the empty half of the bar, and just walked around in a circle. Autism like a motherfucker.
- The bartender, sweet jesus the bartender. Pixie cut, thick-frame glasses, petite little thing. I’m not saying I fell in love, but I did meet my dream woman.
Moderately numbed to the white trash, I went outside and saw the line from the TLA went to the end of the block.
It was that type of crowd. Once I was in the venue I saw that the ring was about half the size of a normal wrestling ring, it was also surrounded by some deplorable people. I guess it made sense, the MC liked repeating “Half the size, TWICE THE VIOLENCE!”
I immediately moved to the mezzanine to continue drinking.
As we approached 8:30 the crowd got antsy and started a “MID-GETS! MID-GETS! MID-GETS!” chant. They didn’t waste any time and started a royal rumble with 6 (maybe 7?) little people. The MC asked “ARE YOU READY for some midget violence?!” and the raucous crowd got right into it. These little people beat the shit out of each other. Totally ruthless. Suplexes, impalers, and high-flying top rope action!
The winner of this match took off his shirt, put on a referee’s stripes and became the ref for the rest of the night. This is a picture of the guy who won the royal rumble:
I guess that’s the reward for winning? Take the rest of the night off?
Onto the main cards of the night:
The MC first introduced “Skinny Timmy” who wasn’t even a legitimate little person. He as just a scrawny, extremely short dude. After he was introduced he was booed immediately (love Philadelphia) and then played the heel like a champ. “I know this is an Obama town, did you buy your tickets with welfare?” “I hope the Flyers lose!””Your girlfriend is a 4 where I come from!” yeah OK bro
The hate was palpable. Who can we count on to defeat this guy? None other than 3’8″, pot-bellied, “Baby Jesus”, an instant fan favorite. “Let’s go JE-SUS!” “I LOVE YOU BABY JESUS!”
He got his ass beat for most of the round. Skinny Timmy was a force off the top rope though, can’t teach that. At some point, Baby Jesus got thrown out of the ring and this was problematic. It happened in all of the matches and from our level (and probably the first level too) it was impossible to see these guys. Baby Jesus got hit in the head with a steel tray (aka tin chafing dish) because Skinny Timmy is a cheap player. Through the power of our prayers, however, B. Jesus won by pinfall.
Then they took a 15 minute break to let more people into the arena, allegedly. The crowd lost a LOT of energy at this point, me included because I was already sobering up.
Next up was a 3-way match. We had “King Midget”, a guy with corn rows. We had a guy in an el luchador mask. We had a particularly beefy one named “Lil’ Show”, naturally. I remembered Lil Show from the royal rumble, I liked his style a lot, maybe my favorite wrestler at this point. Just picked up the other wrestlers and threw them. That was pretty much his only move. If I remember correctly (I don’t), he pinned el luchador, but then got pinned by King Midget in a controversial ending.
Some fun facts about the people I was standing by:
- One lady was extremely short, like 4’8″. Shorter than Skinny Timmy. “I should be out there!”.
- When we all realized how understaffed the venue was she lit up a cigarette right next to me. Gross, but mostly because then I had to wash my hair this morning.
- The drunkest guy in the whole venue was right behind us. He spent the latter half of the event leaning on a wall.
- The posse he was rolling with was incredibly lame. Picture a guy, 6’6, really fat, gauged ears (but really conservative, tiny ones), Nintendo t-shirt, and a former high school wrestler who complained about how unrealistic this was. FOH bro
The next card was a Canadian vs. a ‘Murican so I’ll let you figure out who the crowd was rooting for (hint: not the one who bleeds maple syrup). Bonus points: the American was named “Steve-O” in an example of a trademark that hasn’t caught up with EMW so far.
The Canadian was a pretty cool fighter (also in the RR) with an even cooler mohawk, but as a true patriot I was all behind the American. Some of the props they pulled out from under the stage got a bit ridiculous in this event: folding chairs,
spiked baseball bats a wiffle ball bat wrapped in aluminum foil, and some shelving. Pretty sure the American started bleeding at some point. In the end, the winner was America’s hat, but do not despair….
There was some extracurricular activity going on, particularly the Lil’ show returning to the ring and ganging up on the American with his Canadian buddy. I was devastated. America had lost and it’s most charismatic fighter was kicking us while we were down. Who will be our savior but….Baby Jesus.
That’s right, Baby Jesus was resurrected and teamed up with our American son. “How about you two versus you two?” Thanks ref we got it. Jesus and America, a natural pairing. Cheering so loud you could probably hear it in heaven. This is a team any freedom loving patriot can get behind.
The tag team match that ensued was fantastic. Distracting the ref while your partner beats up your opponent, holding your opponent so your partner can spear him from the top rope, and many near-falls. Thrilling. In the end, the good guys won and Baby Jesus was 2-0 on the night. I wiped a tear of joy from my eye and the crowd began to disperse.
They were selling $20 shirts, $20 luchador masks, and $5 to get a picture with the wrestlers. That’s the best $5 I almost spent, mostly because they cut the line off. Some full-sized people were still drunk and tried to climb into the ring.
Alas, this was as close I got to my heroes and new best friends.
So if these little people are coming to a venue near you, don’t even hesitate a little bit to go see them! Pun. Intended.