Clockwise from top:
Skinny Timmy, Baby Jesus, Lil Show, Canadian, Steve-O, King Midget, and the ref

EXTREME MIDGET WRESTLING FEDERATION

“The baddest little show on Earth!”

Backstory: It was last weekend, maybe the weekend before that an employee at DiNic’s caught sight of the Super Portale Bros and said “You seem like you may be interested in this” before handing over some free tickets to “Extreme Midget Wrestling“.  A big “ha ha” moment, do we really look like the type of guys who would be interested in watching midgets little people* wrestle?  Actually yes.  Pigeonholed as fuck

*I’m not the PC police but I feel a little offensive calling them midgets.  Little people from here on out. 


 

The day had come.  The Portales bailed out so I was flying solo to this thing.  I blame the couch. I locked up my whip, and proceeded to drink as much as I thought would be acceptable when drinking alone (a special at the dive next door).  Observations:

  • There was already a line a few doors away from the TLA.  Must be all those free tickets, there were plenty of people who had come out for this thing.
  • I saw a guy with a braided rat tail.  Didn’t want to take a picture because I know if he caught me he would destroy me.  His side piece was a woman with a tattoo on her forehead.
  • A taller, chubbier guy tried to make small talk with me.  He had acne and was at least 30.  “So…you going to this event next door?”.  As if he was too ashamed to admit he was watching little people beat up on each other for our entertainment.  That’s what we’re all here for, bro. I nodded and went back to my phone.  He looked around, walked to the empty half of the bar, and just walked around in a circle.  Autism like a motherfucker.
  • The bartender, sweet jesus the bartender.  Pixie cut, thick-frame glasses, petite little thing.  I’m not saying I fell in love, but I did meet my dream woman.

Moderately numbed to the white trash, I went outside and saw the line from the TLA went to the end of the block.

It was that type of crowd.  Once I was in the venue I saw that the ring was about half the size of a normal wrestling ring, it was also surrounded by some deplorable people.  I guess it made sense, the MC liked repeating “Half the size, TWICE THE VIOLENCE!”

I immediately moved to the mezzanine to continue drinking.

As we approached 8:30 the crowd got antsy and started a “MID-GETS! MID-GETS! MID-GETS!” chant.  They didn’t waste any time and started a royal rumble with 6 (maybe 7?) little people.  The MC asked “ARE YOU READY for some midget violence?!” and the raucous crowd got right into it.  These little people beat the shit out of each other.  Totally ruthless.  Suplexes, impalers, and high-flying top rope action!

The winner of this match took off his shirt, put on a referee’s stripes and became the ref for the rest of the night.  This is a picture of the guy who won the royal rumble:

Seen here wearing a white woman

I guess that’s the reward for winning?  Take the rest of the night off?

Onto the main cards of the night:

The MC first introduced “Skinny Timmy” who wasn’t even a legitimate little person.  He as just a scrawny, extremely short dude.  After he was introduced he was booed immediately (love Philadelphia) and then played the heel like a champ. “I know this is an Obama town, did you buy your tickets with welfare?” “I hope the Flyers lose!””Your girlfriend is a 4 where I come from!” yeah OK bro

The hate was palpable.  Who can we count on to defeat this guy?  None other than 3’8″, pot-bellied, “Baby Jesus”, an instant fan favorite.  “Let’s go JE-SUS!” “I LOVE YOU BABY JESUS!”

He got his ass beat for most of the round. Skinny Timmy was a force off the top rope though, can’t teach that.  At some point, Baby Jesus got thrown out of the ring and this was problematic.  It happened in all of the matches and from our level (and  probably the first level too) it was impossible to see these guys.  Baby Jesus got hit in the head with a steel tray (aka tin chafing dish) because Skinny Timmy is a cheap player.  Through the power of our prayers, however, B. Jesus won by pinfall.


Then they took a 15 minute break to let more people into the arena, allegedly.  The crowd lost a LOT of energy at this point, me included because I was already sobering up.

Next up was a 3-way match.  We had “King Midget”, a guy with corn rows.  We had a guy in an el luchador mask.  We had a particularly beefy one named “Lil’ Show”, naturally.  I remembered Lil Show from the royal rumble, I liked his style a lot, maybe my favorite wrestler at this point.  Just picked up the other wrestlers and threw them.  That was pretty much his only move.  If I remember correctly (I don’t), he pinned el luchador, but then got pinned by King Midget in a controversial ending.


Some fun facts about the people I was standing by:

  • One lady was extremely short, like 4’8″.  Shorter than Skinny Timmy. “I should be out there!”.  
  • When we all realized how understaffed the venue was she lit up a cigarette right next to me.  Gross, but mostly because then I had to wash my hair this morning.
  • The drunkest guy in the whole venue was right behind us.  He spent the latter half of the event leaning on a wall.
  • The posse he was rolling with was incredibly lame.  Picture a guy, 6’6, really fat, gauged ears (but really conservative, tiny ones), Nintendo t-shirt, and a former high school wrestler who complained about how unrealistic this was.  FOH bro

The next card was a Canadian vs. a ‘Murican so I’ll let you figure out who the crowd was rooting for (hint: not the one who bleeds maple syrup).  Bonus points: the American was named “Steve-O” in an example of a trademark that hasn’t caught up with EMW so far.

 

The Canadian was a pretty cool fighter (also in the RR) with an even cooler mohawk, but as a true patriot I was all behind the American.  Some of the props they pulled out from under the stage got a bit ridiculous in this event: folding chairs, spiked baseball bats  a wiffle ball bat wrapped in aluminum foil, and some shelving.  Pretty sure the American started bleeding at some point.  In the end, the winner was America’s hat, but do not despair….


There was some extracurricular activity going on, particularly the Lil’ show returning to the ring and ganging up on the American with his Canadian buddy.  I was devastated.  America had lost and it’s most charismatic fighter was kicking us while we were down.  Who will be our savior but….Baby Jesus. 

That’s right, Baby Jesus was resurrected and teamed up with our American son.  “How about you two versus you two?” Thanks ref we got it.  Jesus and America, a natural pairing.  Cheering so loud you could probably hear it in heaven.  This is a team any freedom loving patriot can get behind.

The tag team match that ensued was fantastic.  Distracting the ref while your partner beats up your opponent, holding your opponent so your partner can spear him from the top rope, and many near-falls.  Thrilling.  In the end, the good guys won and Baby Jesus was 2-0 on the night.  I wiped a tear of joy from my eye and the crowd began to disperse.


 

Epilogue:

They were selling $20 shirts, $20 luchador masks, and $5 to get a picture with the wrestlers.  That’s the best $5 I almost spent, mostly because they cut the line off.  Some full-sized people were still drunk and tried to climb into the ring.

Security beat his ass, it was fantastic.

Security beat his ass, it was fantastic.

Alas, this was as close I got to my heroes and new best friends.

Clockwise from top: Skinny Timmy, Baby Jesus, Lil Show, Canadian, Steve-O, King Midget, and the ref

Clockwise from top:
Skinny Timmy, Baby Jesus, Lil Show, Canadian, Steve-O, King Midget, and the ref

 

So if these little people are coming to a venue near you, don’t even hesitate a little bit to go see them!  Pun. Intended.

Link

Keith is on the internet, Hot Cross Buns

 

 

Keith on the internet

Kool Keith is a friend of mine.  He’s a talented artist.  Check out his drawings.  They are GREAT.

In other news, we stopped by the corner store this morning.  Tony gave us some hot cross buns for free (“They’re a day old but still good.  Microwave ‘em” – classy gesture).

I found out that hot cross buns are an Easter food and not just a song to sing in elementary school.  Tasted like shit.

Bikes make me happy

Haven’t posted in a while because I’ve been bubbling with rage.  About nothing in particular but generally everything.  Wake up in the morning and just want to hate. I was going to list everything that I hate but I didn’t for two reasons:

1. It would be very offensive to some people (lookin’ at you, honkeys)

2. I got my bike back from the shop today

BIKE BIKE BIKE BIKE BIKE BIKE BIKE

BIKE BIKE BIKE BIKE BIKE BIKE BIKE BIKE BIKE BIKE BIKE BIKE BIKE BIKE BIKE BIKE BI-

And I am fucking elated.  I got it tuned up for the season and it rides better than when I got it (they even painted over the dinged up bits).  I would highly recommend Kater Street Bicycle to anybody in the city.

I’ve told people (multiple times) that all I want to be happy is my bicycle and Eagles season tickets.  I’m halfway there and it feels GREAT. Gonna go ride around FDR park and try and avoid all the white people who are out jogging.

Let’s talk about breakfast sandwich bread

I’m not going to get into the bacon/pork roll or ketchup/hot sauce controversy right now.  What I’m talking about is the bread your bacon egg & cheese is served on.

There are a couple of options: toast, long rolls, bagels, croissants.  Only one of them is correct.

Let’s throw toast out right now.  That’s amateur shit. If you eat your bacon, egg & cheese on toast then you listen to top 40 music, are totally into running, and may describe yourself as “totally awkward!”. Because you are a boring, bland person without any semblance of a personality.

Long rolls? Maybe. These are probably the biggest breakfast sandwiches, so it’s a quantity over quality type of deal. If it’s an amoroso roll, then it’s probably pretty fantastic.  But you also run the risk of a prepackaged, generic, mushy piece of bread.  I’d rather not.

Bagels.  I love bagels.  There have been multiple days when I’ve eaten bagels for breakfast and lunch, they’re so versatile and filling.  They are a great breakfast.  Eggs are a great breakfast.  Together?  They might be too great.  First, they’re too damn big to fit in your mouth.  And you’re getting a lot of competing flavors, especially if you’re eating an everything bagel.  And if you’re too full at breakfast the rest of your day is fucked.

The real winner is croissants.  All airy and flaky, but still buttery and rich.  Soaking up the grease from the eggs and bacon and just absolutely delectable. You look fancy as all hell, because plebeians who order long rolls or toast are too simple minded to fathom such a regal breakfast sandwich.  They can’t even begin to comprehend how much better your breakfast sandwich is than their crummy, common excuse for the most important meal of the day.  If you haven’t done this before, you’re missing out on one of the finest pleasures in life.  If you’ve already seen the light, you’re probably salivating at the thought.

The greatest

The greatest

Job hunting with Calvin and Hobbes

About 2 years ago I was posting about my job hunt circa 2012.  Oh how things have changed (and how they haven’t).  I’m better qualified, have a better sense of what I (don’t) want to do, and I don’t live in goddamn Harrisburg so this round should be a whole lot more bearable.

It’s actually pretty exciting.  I’ll let Calvin and Hobbes explain the rest.

Not going to lie, I still get choked up everytime I read this.

Property of Bill Watterson and other legal stuff I should say

Not going to lie, I still get choked up everytime I read this. Best comic of all time, though I absolutely despise the snow. 

August 29th is my last day

Big, big day for govinbhai. Today I had a chat with my boss about my future.  Whether I’m staying at my current job for another year, enrolling in a master’s program, still interested in PhD programs, etc.

None of the above.  We agreed that my last day at work is August 29th.  My 24th birthday is going to be fantastic.

“Where do you want to be when you’re 30? Decide that and reverse engineer it from there.” My boss tells me. She was super cool about it.  Told me about a bunch of her friends whose work I’d be interested in.

Time for govinbhai to figure out what the fuck he’s doing with his life for the umpteenth time since graduating.  Wish me luck during these next five months.  At the very least, have a couch I can crash on when I’m homeless a year from now.

Update:

Relevant XKCD

Eat shit ya damn commies

Noticed this when I was posting the last blog and it made my day. I can (kind of) see who’s looking at my blog and where the pageviews are coming from.  Check out this damn commie from the USSR reading my most patriotic blog ever .Screen Shot 2014-03-17 at 11.59.48 AM

 

Yeah, this damn commie only read one page but it’s probably because afterwards this guy was so mentally shattered by our ‘Murican superiority that he blew his damn commie brains out in the Red Square.

Putin, if one of you or your Kremlin goonies is reading this you can kiss my red, white and blue ass.

USA! USA! USA!

I’m becoming a baby

This has been occurring progressively since I finished college.  I don’t know why.  My food and sleep schedule is that of an infant’s.

If no one tells me to eat, or I forget, I get cranky.  I get all confused and irritable until I realize I’ve forgotten to eat.  I’m not above a little bit of sobbing.

When I do eat, I make a mess.  There’s food in my beard, on my desk, on my clothes, and I don’t notice because I’m so damn hungry I’m just shoving food down my gullet.

I eat too much too fast.  I get gassy/sleepy (in some order).  If I’m watching TV, in a car/train, especially on my couch, I will fall asleep in a matter of minutes.

Best (worst?) of all, I drool in my sleep.  I wake up on a damp pillow or with crusty saliva in my beard.   I’m extremely disoriented and usually have to use the bathroom.

 

The transformation into a baby will be complete when I start shitting myself.  At my current rate I’m expecting this to happen by July 4th.

Our sofa, part II

So at this point you know how baller our couch is.  You’ve probably slept on it before.  It’s an awesome couch.

At least 5/7 nights a week there is at least one person who falls asleep on this couch (and that’s being conservative).  If you count people sleeping on couch/days perweek, the number is closer to 10/7 (over 100%), what with friends crashing here over the weekend and multiple people crashing on this couch any given week night.  We have the greatest couch of all time.  Case in point:

2014-03-04_22-28-13_853

 

And they weren’t even that drunk.