In keeping with my #InflammatoryTweetsFriday and drawing inspiration from KFC Radio’s pet peeves episode I want to blog out the number of things that I hate.  I could spam your Twitter feed, but decided to blog instead:

Runners:

Fuck you.  Fuck you so much.  I fucking hate you.  Running to develop cardiovasuclar endurance for some tangible application (e.g. soccer, police academy, overall physical fitness) is fine.  But if you ever say to my face,”I’m a runner!” I want to shove your torso into a wood chipper.  You run a few miles in the morning, neglect any sort of training for your other muscle groups, and you’re still a fatass because you ordered a venti caramel machiatto, you are a shit person and I hate you.  You have a boring fucking hobby to go along with your boring fucking personality.

Maybe you run because you want to lose weight (you vain fuck).  Maybe you want to make friends in a running club (boring people like boring people I guess). But more than likely, you’re not coordinated enough for any other physical activity, but you are patient enough to put one foot in front of another for 30 minutes.  You know what really drives me fucking nuts?  Tracking how long you’ve run and posting it to social media.  “I RAN 3 MILES THIS MORNING GIVE ME FACEBOOK LIKES I NEED ATTENTION”.  Go to hell.

Also worthy of spite: doing a 5k race and feeling proud of yourself.  Anybody adult with a modicum of healthy living can run 5k.  Oh, and that 13.1 or 26.2 sticker on your car.  You were able to run X distance and want the person behind you to know it.  Not only that, you run for whatever stupid reason, but still depend on an automobile for a form of pragmatic transportation.

Facebook:

I only use Facebook at this point if I want to get angry.  I get on, scroll past pictures of babies, wedding countdowns (UGH), your terrible political beliefs, contrived memes, HOW MUCH YOU JUST FUCKING RAN, and your concerned aunt commenting on your “oh man so hungover” status.  Get a grip people.

Let me document everything I do “I’m taking a shit, let me check in to ‘my bathroom'” because you are an attention whore who is trying to feel better about your shitty life.  Keep curating the 1% of your day that isn’t boring, or post enigmatic statuses about “This has been the worst day ever” hoping for probing questions and maybe, just maybe, feeling like you aren’t a boring, ordinary fucking person.

PS if you aren’t using twitter yet you are a dinosaur and I hope you are killed by meteor impact.

White chicks and weddings:

OH MY GOD. JESUS FUCKING CHRIST.  From the day chicks graduate college it is a fucking race to the altar.  I do not understand this even the littlest bit.  If you’re not getting married yourself, you’re going to bachelorette parties, other friends weddings, whatever the fuck else at an alarming rate.  This is the social function your life revolves around.  You love going to them with your own husband or fiancé.  You get to dress up and wear uncomfortable shoes.  You get to pretend like you don’t have a boring fucking life for a few hours.  And if you’re there single, or just with a +1?  You are fucking shattered behind your disingenuous smile.  Your clock is ticking, every guy you’re trying to tie down realizes you’re a clone of every other sorority girl, and you can’t bear the thought of being unable to post engagement photos on Facebook. You just want to get married because all of your sorority sisters have.

The “100 days until my wedding!” facebook posts are particularly egregious. Oh yeah toots?  800 days until you get divorced.  I am waiting for the day.

I saw a stand up comedian (forget the name at the moment) who said something along these lines: “Sometimes it’s late on Friday night and I’m drunk, alone.  I get on facebook, and see a couple that has gotten divorced.  I go through their wedding photos and…’like’, ‘like’, ‘like’, oh your first dance? ‘share’, ‘like’, ‘like’….”. Can’t wait to be that guy.

Your life isn’t a fucking Disney movie, in fact, I hope it is generally horrible.  You’re fetishizing a lifelong, commitment to love so that you can have one day where you’re the center of attention (to a bunch of people who are judging you on your cutlery and reception meal).

Cars/Drivers:

Well, let’s gloss over with how your reliance on automobiles and fossil fuels (due to poor urban planning and the oil/auto industry lobbyists buying Washington) are causing the destruction of our planet.  I’m not trying to put a fist through my monitor.

Let’s talk about this asshole who doesn’t use turn signals.  You are such a shit eater. It takes all of 500 milliseconds but you can’t be bothered. Just going to give all the traffic around you no indication of where you’re steering your 2000 pound metal cage.

Or, the person who has to look down at their phone at every stop sign, red light, or straight stretch of road.  You are going to kill someone.  You can’t wait to check in on facebook or send a text that you are going to fucking kill somebody.  I kind of hope you accidentally run over your own grandparents and have to go to jail for the rest of your life for vehicular manslaughter.

You’re driving down a narrow city street.  In a GMC Suburban. Think about the name of the model (suburban), and your environment (urban).  You are driving  a gigantic fucking vehicle down a road designed for something half its size.  Because you have a tiny penis and feel like a big car will convince people otherwise.

And how about this fucker parked in a bike lane.  You are a real piece of shit.  I saw a convertible with its top down  parked in a bike lane on my way home from work last week.  I spit directly onto the driver’s seat.  What a fucking asshole.

How about opening your car door without looking out your mirror?  Oh, you just destroyed your door, and a cyclist who biked directly into it?  Because you were looking down at facebook on your phone?  Eat shit.

Bicyclists:

Yep, you’re on my shit list too.  Biking without a helmet, with headphones in.  That’s a real smart move you jackass.  A car is going to honk its horn, you won’t hear them, then you’ll get hit by the car and die.  Good riddance.

Salmon cyclists, or, cyclists who bike the opposite direction of a one way street.  If it’s half a block on a side street, that’s not an issue.  But if you’re on a major street going the opposite direction of traffic, you’re a danger to cyclists and cars both.  You should probably hit a semi-truck head on and rid yourself from this world.

Biking on the sidewalk.  This is actually illegal in PA, if never enforced.  You are a piece of shit and if you don’t have the balls to bike on the road, where you’re supposed to be biking, you shouldn’t be allowed on a bicycle, period.

Doing any of the above on a very expensive, carbon-frame bicycle that daddy bought for you.  Jeeesus christ.  Don’t play with your toy until you know how to use it.

Excessive cellphone usage:

You’re at a friend’s house, or at a party.  And you, and everyone else around you, is looking down at your phone.  Hey asshole, if I wanted to sit by myself and play with my phone I wouldn’t have invited people over.   On a date and checking your cellphone?  Asshole.  Missing the entire conversation going on because you just had to swipe through some tinder profiles?  Assssshole. That’s just rude shit.  Get it together.

White people:

Pretty much everything y’all do.  Enjoying Dave Matthews Band, tanning, voting Republican, not eating spicy food, going vegan/”freegan”/gluten-free or whatever dumb fad you can think up.  Fuck you.

Happy memorial day weekend.