Jury duty is finally over.  I was going to write about it midweek, but my mental state was alternating between fury, melancholy, and hopelessness so quickly that I could only compose gibberish.  I expected to feel some sense of delight or positivity when I was done, but it’s more akin to removing broken glass from a cut.  Yeah – it’s gone but it’s gonna hurt like a bitch for a while.

Before I recount my harrowing experience, let me provide some background: on the questionnaire I filled out Monday I answered “No” to all of the questions, except one.  This question was (paraphrased): “Would you be less inclined to believe the testimony of a police officer due to their occupation?”  I answered “Yes” because 1. I was pissed off and hoped this would get me removed from the jury pool (spoilers: it didn’t) 2. Cops are dicks, especially suburban ones.  They’ll lie through their teeth in the case of traffic violations, noise complaints, etc. This would inevitably bite me in the ass.

Tuesday

Got called for a panel of 35 first thing in the morning.  Well, that’s relative.  Because everything moves glacially in the judicial system and the administrators seem to receive sadistic pleasure from watching us squirm anxiously in our seats.  Maybe an hour after my name was called we’re led to (an admittedly impressive) courtroom.  Sexual harassment case.  Fuck my life.

The defendant was a pale and scrawny dude with thinning, oily hair.  The prosecution was spearheaded by…a police detective.  Husky, crewcut hair, asshole, the whole shebang.  The lawyers questioned the jury, so they could whittle their jury list down to 13.  “Do you have any relation to any members of the legal proceedings that would prevent you from being a fair and impartial juror,” “Have you or a family member ever been accused of sexual harassment” “Have you ever been the victim of sexual harassment” and whatnot.  I was dead behind the eyes, because none of these applied to me, and because I wanted to be dead.  If I had been selected I could have been done by Wednesday.  But then, in the flesh, the question:  “Would you be less inclined to believe the testimony of a police officer due to their occupation?” I bit my tongue.  Did they even look at my questionnaire?  Fuck the police, but a detective’s a little more credible and wouldn’t lie about an accusation like this.  I just wanted to get this done with.    The lawyers and judge then spent about an hour talking quietly among themselves to decide who would be selected to the jury.   Needless to say, I was not selected and returned to the jury pool.

Dismissal for midday bloody marys lunch.  Pensive self-reflection on the banks of the Susquehanna river.  Contemplating faking my death via drowning.  Narrowly deciding against it.  Back to the courtroom.  I tried to read Slaughterhouse-Five, but I had found a comfortable chair and fell asleep immediately.  Waking up after an hour with drool on my chin, I felt a little better, simply because I was less cranky.  Around 2 PM, they performed a humane act by dismissing us early.  Sure, we had to be back at 8 AM the next day, but I was at the parking garage faster than you can say “Usain Bolt”.

Wednesday

Stop me if you’ve heard this before.  First thing in the morning I’m selected to a panel.  For a sexual harassment case.  The prosecution is represented by a police detective.  I am not selected to the jury.

On the bright side, the bartender at Arooga’s started making my bloody mary as soon as I walked in the door.  And we got released at 3 PM, after some light reading and heavy napping.

Thursday

Called for another panel first thing in the morning.  They didn’t even bother taking us to a courtroom this time.  In fact, I sat in the waiting room all day.  So did everyone else  (they mentioned the case may be settled out of court, though provided no definite answers).  So from 8 AM until 2 PM we waited for a non-existent case.  My panel was dismissed, to return on Friday at 8:15 AM.  The remaining 12 jurors who weren’t selected to any panels?  They were sent home at 3 and given Friday off.

Friday

This had to be my last day as a juror.  Didn’t make me feel any better about it.  Got to “downtown” at 7:45, and needed coffee and checked my phone for a nearby Starbucks.  This is where I made an interesting discovery: There’s 1 SB in Harrisburg’s city limits.  It is adjacent to the Whitaker Center’s gift shop.  There are a grand total of 6 locations on that map (I live in the green circle at the top right, for reference).  Whereas there are at least 10 locations in center city Philly alone.  Pay close attention to the scale of the maps.

8:15, and we wait.  And we wait and wait.  Thankfully, Fatty isn’t around to tell his piss-poor jokes.  Just a bunch of obese old ladies discussing how much butter they eat and how little they exercise, keeping us in the dark about when we’ll be dismissed.  It’s approaching 11:30, that’s usually bloody mary lunch time, so I’m getting anxious and thirsty hungry.  The spherical, annoying bitch from Monday decides we’re finally allowed to leave – because the judge was not in today but had not returned any calls until that point.  Before we could finally leave, we had to receive an official piece of paper that states that we are cleared for jury duty for 3 years.  Of course, these papers are handed out in alphabetical order, and I am the second-to-last person to receive mine.  After 30 hours over 5 days, I am released.  I am compensated 77 dollars (at a rate of $2.56/hour).  I am selected to three panels, and 0 juries.  So it goes.

–

Jury duty is henceforth categorized with the Dallas Cowboys and The Big Bang theory as the things I hate most on this planet.  A couple hours removed from this most awful life experience, I’m finally recovering.

Let’s quickly rehash all the good things that happened this week, because life’s too awesome to be a negative nancy!  That’s all the negativity I can muster for the rest of the summer, so it’s all smiles from here on out.

-Had a phone interview with one of my former professors at Temple.  Going back to Philly August 20th for a formal interview!  I have a future!  Woohoo!

-Discussed ideas for our future sketch comedy/webseries with “JT” and “Merc”.  Coming to a youtube channel near you!

-Got a new phone!  My trusty dusty Droid X’s battery had finally gone kaput.  Got the Samsung Galaxy SIII, and it’s phenomenal.  Until the next iPhone comes out, or I drop it, I’ll have a top-of-the-line phone that works as it should!  Feels good man!

-Read through Slaughterhouse-Five which Crazy Al lent me many months ago.  Awesome book.  (And the subject of an upcoming blog post?  I say that a lot, don’t I?)

-Brother’s birthday party is tomorrow, so I get to troll a bunch of little kids for a few hours!

Have a lovely weekend, everybody!