The days are getting shorter, the nights are cooler, students are getting ready for school, and my birthday’s around the corner.  This means one thing: FOOTBALL!

It’s the most popular professional sport in America, and many of you clicked this link because you saw “NFL” in the title, the allure is irresistible.  You’re starved for fevered fanbases belligerently cheering bone-crunching concussion-causing vicarious violence (I’m working on my alliteration).  From the first weekend of September to the first weekend of February, America revolves around football.  There’s no avoiding it.

I feel a sense of camaraderie with millions of others who bleed green and white as we begin every season with cautious (or last year, rabid) optimism that THIS is FINALLY our YEAR!  This is the year they break through.  This is the year the Eagles bring home the Lombardi trophy. This is the year you’ll find me in my bathtub full of green and white fresh-from-the-wrist  blood after the iggles inevitably disappoint a tortured fanbase once again.  But this is what I love about football.  An all-in-this-together team mentality.  With 16 games per season, weeks’ worth of passion is expressed over the course of 3 hours on a Sunday afternoon.  It’s an explosion of fandom.  There’s nothing more enjoyable than watching your team win.  It’s even better to watch them destroy the Cowboys to make the playoffs.  Or watch them come back from a 3 TD deficit with less than 8 minutes to go.  I’ll never forget where I was during the Miracle at the Meadowlands II (on my lunch break at Costco).  Go Birds.

That’s what I love about football.  There’s a whole lot more I can’t stand.  Professional football exists in a bubble of artificial intensity with a 24 hour news cycle (they have their own TV channel for crying out loud).  So called “experts” are called upon to predict the outcomes of entire seasons with startling inaccuracy.  Some “experts” are by-products of the first-world economy, their skills (covering FANTASY FOOTBALL) are completely useless and pointless.  ESPN (guilty of many crimes) even hires a guy whose only duty is to predict the NFL draft.  Not only are the predictions inaccurate, but draft-day trades immediately throw a wrench into his “expert predictions”.  The aforementioned Mel Kiper Jr. (I wonder if Sr. is proud) then has the audacity to rate each teams’ picks (immediately, without seeing the players in professional pads) and shortly after the conclusion of the draft, will release a mock draft for the following year (without the college season having been played).

And that’s just the media.  How about gameday?  Washed-up players and coaches shouting over each other for hours before the game, spouting buzzwords inspired by their producers and whiskey flasks.

“QUARTERBACK CONTROVERSY IN ARIZONA?” “IS ELI A TOP-5 QUARTERBACK?” “RAMIFICATIONS FROM BOUNTYGATE?”  “WHO’S YOUR FIRST ROUND FANTASY SELEC-”

It’s incorrigible.  Downright despicable.  And I, like many of you, am a victim to the NFL’s hype machine.  Five months of artificial intensity await us.  The absolute worst is the build-up before championship games and the Superbowl.  At this point of the season, we as viewers are hook-line-and-sinker’d into swallowing whatever bullshit they feed us.  The result of hyperbole and misused metaphor is this overly theatric production:

(Aside: Making that video probably cost more than what my car’s worth.)  And last, and certainly not least, is how little football we actually view.  There was a little study by the Wall Street Journal  that shows that about 10% of a “game” is actually football-playing behavior.  This is not counting commercials.  You may initially feel shocked to find this out, but really, are you that surprised?  And with all the time you spend watching talking heads squabble, instant replays, commercials, setting your fantasy lineup, reading stupid sports blogs (ahem) you probably spend less than 1% of football season actually watching your team play football.  Completely absurd.

The best way to avoid this nonsense is to 1. Avoid ESPN completely (for all sports news, I’ve been trying my best for months) 2. Do not turn the game on until kick-off to avoid the talking head baloneys 3. Just watch NFL redzone which does a spectacular job of cutting out the bullshit.  Or, 4. Go outside.  You might enjoy it.

Now if you’ll excuse me, I have to prepare for my 2nd fantasy draft on Sunday, and create a template for my weekly football column once the season begins (kidding! (or am I??)).